Osho had a huge influence on me in the period of personal development, and his words: "Choose things which are unprofitable, inconvenient, but those which have response in your heart; go to undisclosed locations and trust existence. Celebrate the Life" - have settled in my subconsciousness and guided me on my way to enlightenment...
On 21st March, 1953, it was already a week since I have ceased to work over myself. It was a moment when you clearly see how unavailing your efforts are. You have already done everything possible, but nothing has brought you success. You have made everything humanly possible. What remains? You give up all attempts in this complete hopelessness. And on that day when I have stopped searches and stopped to aspire and hope in something, - it has begun. I got new energy from nowhere. It had no source. It came from nowhere and extended everywhere. It was in trees, stones, sky, sun and air - everywhere. I've been searching for so long, I though the purpose was far away - but everything turned to be so close! I directed my eyes over the horizon, and did not notice things in front of me.
When efforts disappeared, I disappeared as well, since the person cannot exist without efforts, without desires, without aspiration. Ego, personality, "Self" are not a steady phenomenon, but process. It is not some sort of internal substance because we have to recreate it from moment to moment anew. This is like riding a bicycle: you ride till you treadle. Once you cease to treadle, a bicycle stops. Certainly it still can ride a bit by inertia, but without treadling the bicycle begins to stop. It loses the energy pushing it forward. And then it just falls on the side.
The ego exists because we continue to press treadles of our desires, we continue to aspire to something, we try to tumble over ourselves. This is the essence of ego - desire to bite more than one can chew, to rush into the future, to jump in tomorrow. Ego arises at jumping in something which does not exist yet. It arises from something which does not exist yet, and is consequently like a Mirage. It consists only of desire - and nothing else. There are only impulses, aspiration.
Ego lives not in the present, but in the future. When you live in the future ego seems to be perceptible. But if you linger in the present, it remains a mirage and starts to disappear gradually.
On that day I have ceased to aspire … Or to say more exactly: “On that day my aspiration has disappeared”. It is more precise, because words “I have ceased to aspire” mean there was still "Self". It would mean as if I directed my efforts to stop desiring, hence a certain refined desire remained still.
But it is impossible to stop the desire, it can be only comprehended. Comprehension of desire means its disappearance. Remember that nobody is able to stop desiring, and the original reality is shown only after desire disappears.
This is a dilemma … What should you do? Desires exist, and Buddhas continue repeating you should get rid of desires, and declare at the same time that it is impossible to stop desiring. What should you do? The person faces a dilemma. He wants something constantly. At first he hears he needs to stop it, and then that it cannot be stopped. What should be done then?
The desire should be comprehended. And it can be comprehended; all you have to do is to understand its vainness. You need direct perception, direct penetration into things' essence.
On the day when my desires disappeared, I felt helpless and hopeless. The hope was gone, because the future was gone. There was nothing to hope for, because it was already clear that all hopes are vain, they never come true. You're running in circle. The dream allures to chase it, while remaining unreachable. It creates new mirages and tempts: “Come, run faster - and you will reach me”. But no matter how fast and long you run, the dream moves away from you as a horizon line. The horizon is visible, but you can never reach it. You make one step forward, and it moves away exactly for one step. The faster you run, the faster it moves away from you. If you slow down, it will slow down too. The one thing is obviously - the distance between it and you remains always the same. It cannot be reduced for any meter.
We are not able to reduce distance between us and the dream. The hope is a horizon. We try to reach horizon, our hope, our desire thrown in the future. Desire is a bridge, but this bridge is imaginary, because horizon itself is a mirage too. You cannot build a real bridge there, it can be only imagined. The person cannot touch the things which do not exist.
On the day when my desires disappeared I glanced in their essence and understood they are always vain. I felt helpless and hopeless. But at the very same time something has started to develop. This was something I aspired throughout many lives and did not manage to reach it. The only one hope is feeling of hopelessness, the only one way your dreams can come true is to have no dreams. And when you feel incredibly deep feebleness all world suddenly starts to help you.
The Universe waits. It observes how you work over yourself, but it does not interfere and simply waits till a certain moment. It can wait infinitely long because it tolerates no vanity. It is Eternity. When you leave your attempts and disappear, the whole Universe rushes to you, fills you. Then it all begins.
Seven days I was in full hopelessness, but despite a deep feebleness, I felt something happening. When speaking about hopelessness, I use this word not in sense which may be not conventional for you. I mean simply I did not have any hopes. It did not cause grief. On the contrary I was happy, I felt calmly, I was quiet, accurate and attentive. Absence of any hopes, but in the absolutely new sense. The concept of hope and consequently of its absence did not exist for me anymore. They've both disappeared.
Absence of hopes was complete. The hope and its contrast hopelessness have disappeared. It was an absolutely new sensation - a life without any hopes. It was not bad at all. I have to use habitual words, but there was nothing unpleasant in this state. On the contrary, it was joyful. It was not a feeling of loss, but appearance of something new. Something unknown overflowed me, cloaked me.
And when I speak about feebleness, this word should not be understood in its usual sense. It simply means that I have lost myself. I admitted that I did not exist any more, and it means I cannot rely on the forces any more, can not exist independently. The bottom dropped out of me, and the chasm revealed in front of me… a fathomless pit. But I had no fear, after all I had nothing to protect. There was no fear - there was nobody to have fear.
The improbable and complete transformation has happened within that week. And last day the sensation of absolutely new energy, new light and new pleasure became very powerful, almost unbearable, as if I was going to blow up, to go mad of pleasure. The western youth calls it “to bliss out”, “to go crazy about happiness”.
It was impossible to comprehend the sense of happening. I have got into the world out of sense - it is difficult for comprehension, difficult for explaination with words, language. All scriptures are powerless, all words with which it would be possible to describe this experience, seem blind, faded. These feelings were too bright, too vivid; it was inexhaustible source of pleasure.
That day was somehow strange, stunning, deafening. The past disappeared, as if I haven't ever had it, as if I have simply read about it somewhere. It became similar to the old dream, to the story heard once about someone's life. I left the past, give up the ship of my history. I forgot autobiography, became someone non-existent, called anatta by Buddha. Borders disappeared, all differences vanished.
The mind itself disappeared; it moved away for thousand miles. It was difficult to collect my thoughts mind was carried more and more far away. But it was no need to cling to it. Mind was not interesting for me any more. Everything went right. There was no need to save memories. By the evening it became intolerably painful. I felt like a woman who was going to give birth to a child. Birth pains began, they tortured me.
All the week long I went to bed at twelve- one o'clock, but on that day I could not sit so long. My eyes were heavy, I could hardly open them. Something approached, I felt something should happen. It is difficult to tell what exactly, - perhaps I was dying, but there was no fear. I was ready for everything. The last seven days were so wonderful that I was ready even to die. I wished nothing. I have spent the whole week in divine pleasure. I was so happy that would accept even death with pleasure.
Something came nearer inevitably - something comparable with destruction; some radical turn which could end with death or a new birth, crucifixion or revival. Something incredibly important was waiting for me round the corner. But I could not force myself to open the eyes, I was in a haze.
I fell asleep about eight o'clock, but it was not similar to a dream. Now I understand what Patanjali means when he says samadhi reminds of a dream. The difference is: in samadhi you are asleep and awake at the same time. The body is relaxed, each body cell sleeps, but consciousness light burns inside you… it is clear and does not soot. You keep alert, but are relaxed; you're not stressed, but are in full consciousness. The body is in a deep dream, and the consciousness rises to activity peak. So the top of consciousness and hollow of body rest incorporate.
I fell asleep. My dream was strange: the body slept, and I was awake. It was so strange … As if you were torn to two parts, were stretched in two directions, two dimensions; but thus two poles were so aggravated, as if I was both of them at the same time… Positive and negative, dream and reality, life and death have merged together. It was the moment when creator and its creation join together.
The condition was supernatural. For the first time it astounds you. After these experiences you can not live former life any more. It brings absolutely new outlooks on life, makes you absolutely different.
About midnight my eyes opened suddenly… I did not make any effort for it. Something disturbed my dream. I felt someone's presence in my room, near to me. My room was tiny, but I felt life palpation all around, powerful vibrations everywhere. As if I got into typhoon and choked in a majestic storm of light, pleasure and joy.
It was so real that all the rest became unreal: room walls, my house, my body. Everything became unreal, only now I saw the reality for the first time.
That is why it is so difficult for us to understand when Buddha and Shankara say that the whole world is maya, illusion. We know only our world and can not compare it with something. What are these people talking about? Maya, illusions… There is only one reality. It is impossible to understand their words, until you comprehend original reality. Till that time their words remain theories, smart hypotheses. Could it all be just an abstruse philosophy: “All world is illusion”?
It was so in the West.
Such people are not able to understand what Buddha means when he says the Universe is a mirage. He does not assume you can go through walls. He does not say we can eat stones and there is no difference what you eat - bread or stones.
He says that there is another reality, and when you comprehend it this so-called reality simply fades, becomes unreal. Comparison is possible only after awakening in higher reality, not before it.
Dream is real when you are asleep. Every night we have dreams, but every morning we say they were unreal. But the next night when we fall sleep, dreams become reality again. In a dream it is very difficult to understand that it is just a dream. And in the morning it is very easy. What is the reason? You remain yourself. There is only one reality in a dream. What can you compare it with? Who dares to say what it real? In comparison with what? The reality is only one. Everything is unreal and that's why comparison is impossible. In the morning when you open your eyes, there is another reality you live in. And you can say now that the dream was unreal. The dream becomes unreal when you compare it with reality.
But there is awakening … And in comparison with reality of this awakening, the usual reality becomes unreal.
That night I comprehended sense of maya concept for the first time. I knew this word earlier, but did not understand its sense at all. I interpreted it the same as you do it now, I have never understood it really before. Is it possible to understand, without having experienced it? Doors of the new reality, new dimension have opened for me that night. And there was it - other reality, special reality, true reality. You can name it God, truth, Dharma, dao. It has no name. But it was there - transparent, but so touchable at the same time… It has almost strangled me. It was too much; I could not absorb so much yet…
I had a strong desire to rush away from room, to run out under the sky. I choked. Too much! I was dying! It seemed that if I would stay here for a second, this reality will strangle me. And I run out from the house, rushed off to the yard. I wanted simply to stay under the sky, to see stars, trees and ground… to be free. Once I was in the open air as my suffocation was away. My room was too small for such majestic event. For such an event even the star sky is too narrow roof. It is more than sky. Even the sky is not a limit. But I felt easier.
I went to the nearest garden. Even my gait was different. I went as if gravitation disappeared. Difficultly to tell if I was going, running or simply soaring. There was no gravitation more, I weighed nothing; some kind of force moved me. I was embraced by some unknown energy.
Remember from that day I was not really in my body any more. Only a thin thread connects me to my body. And I wonder all the time that the Whole wants me to remain here for some reason. I am here not of my own free will. The will of the Whole holds me here; it allows me to stay on this coast a little longer. Perhaps the Whole wants to share something with you through me.
From that day the world became unreal. Another world has opened in front of me. But when I call this world unreal, I do not mean these trees do not exist. They are absolutely real; unreal is how you see them. They are real - they exist in God, they exist in absolute reality, - but how you see them… You do not see them really. You see something another - a mirage.
You surrounded yourself with own dreams, and this dream will last until you wake up. The world is unreal, because the world you know is the world of your dreams. And when you wake up you see a new, real world.
It is impossible to say: there is a God, and there is a world. The God is the world, but you understand it only when your eyes are clear, are not dusted by a dream, not in haze of dreams. When your eyes are clear, when sensitivity is aggravated, it becomes obvious that there is only a God.
Sometimes the God is a green tree, sometimes - a bright star, sometimes - a cuckoo, and sometimes a flower. At times the God is a child, a river; everything which exists is a God. As soon as you start to see clearly, you notice God everywhere around you.
But everything you see now is not true, it is a lie. What is a mirage? A false projection. But once you see it… Even for a split second… You should just dare it! Incredible blessing arises everywhere - in clouds, on the sun and on the ground.
The world is beautiful. I'm speaking now not about your world, but about my world. Your world is ugly, it is created by your "Self", it is a land of projections. You use the original reality as the screen displaying your own representations about the world.
When I say the world is real, it is an improbable, wonderful world, shining brightly with infinity, filled with light and joy. My world is eternal holiday. It can become yours too, you should simply wake up.
That night I became empty, and then I was filled. I stopped to be and became being. That night I died and was born anew. The newly born person had nothing to do with that one who has died. There was no connection. My appearance did not change, but there was nothing in common between new me and my former personality. Perishing one perishes up to the end, nothing remains of him.
I have gone through many deaths, but none can be compared with this. All past deaths were incomplete.
Sometimes the body dies, sometimes - a part of mind, sometimes - part of ego, but the person remains. Renewed over and over again, recoloured - something new here, something there, - but the person remains, a certain continuity remains.
But that night the death was full and definite. It was a day of my death and day of my unification with God.