My first awakening, contact with my inner essence happened in fall, 2006. It was a deep experience of me as eternity, infinity, unconditional love and peace.
Of course this experience cannot be described precisely with words, since it would be only attempt to create a certain idea about this experience. But after this experience I have precisely realised that my whole former life was just a dark, ignorance of who I am.
Having realised that I am a person who exists without any reasons, that I am not a subject neither to birth, nor death, that I do not have to do anything to exist, I felt pleasure from release, and some kind of anxiety at the same time. The reason of my confusion was realising that I cannot lead the life I used to anymore. It meant that my existence should change now.
Having awakened I understood my life should be revised, and I left for 9-month's travel in the end of summer, 2007. I had no certain route, and decided to rely only on reading of signs. I did not assume my travel will last 5 years, instead of 9 months.
Signs guided me to
Once in the evening when I came back to the tent from beach, I saw a red glow rising from behind the nearest hill. The steppe burnt. I planned to go to the bed earlier, but suddenly I felt I had to climb the hill and look around, find out whether fire was far from my place.
On the hill I met Amita, a cook from the kitchen of our camp. We talked for a long time, and then went to the kitchen, because she wanted to take an essential oil. The darkness fell already. She could not find it on the kitchen and finally gave up her search. We went to the coast.
It was warm; a pleasant warm wind was blowing our faces. We admired stars in silent … Suddenly something jumped directly over Amita's knees from the bushes.
She recognized a kitten which she used to feed, while working in the kitchen. But for me it was a full unexpectedness. It was a sign for me, and I said at once: «Amita this is a sign! Can you decipher it?» But Amita did not understand what it could mean for her. Nor could I realise what this sign said me!
In some minutes we went on a dark dusty road back to the camp, and the kitten, as if trying to impart us something, ran behind us jumping and wagging forepaws, tried to play with our feet. I stared at him, still trying to understand the sign. The kitten ran behind us long enough, and decided to turn back home only at the camp.
That night I fell asleep with a question: «What was the kitten trying to say me?» Next morning I woke up with lucid concept that the LIFE is a GAME!
This enlightenment was so deep and exiting, so natural and clear, that I was surprised why I did not understand it earlier???
Moreover the kitten showed me that even in the darkest conditions; in a gloom of night it is possible to continue playing! Next day I began to take notice of what gets in my field of view: the youth played different games on a beach, and in the evening I met the girl playing with puppy.
Game! The game theme surrounded me, and I opened for its perception. I recalled one of principles of Hermes Trismegistus: as below, so above; as above, so below. This principle has pushed me to understanding that if people, animal are playing below, then this game is also above. From my own experience I realised that something is interesting until it is a GAME. We play since the childhood and we aspire to playing. And then one notion has dawned upon me - after my awakening I began to play with life, without realising I was playing. I did not give the name to this new process of life perception. But the kitten gave me a chance to look at me from this side and to realise the game.
After this events marched quickly.
The Game sent me to
I spent five years in solitude, wandering and meeting the spiritual mentors who have learnt this game. Surprisingly there were not only well known gurus surrounded by devoted followers, as for example, Sai Baba. Since I wandered playing, I came across people who were players, and I played too. I played not with people, but with a Life sending me various situations and people.
Only the player can recognize the other player.
Once upon a time in
How did I recognized him? He
I was delighted of the ease with which he coped with such difficult situation. He was not confused with lack of money at all. He slept on beach beds, and left his things in a hotel. Since he was doctor and could heal in many alternative ways, he began to heal those who could help him somehow. He could not speak English, but was able to get on well with everyone using Arabian and Russian. And the space around him made everything possible to help him with it.
When he met me, he considered it as a gift from consciousness, from the Universe. I shared my meal with him. We spent two days together, talking and wandering on local environs. When we were saying goodbye to each other, I thanked him for everything I discovered from communication with him. I saw that he Plays. And I saw he was a PLAYER. But I did not tell him about him, nor did he. The one who sees require no explanations and verbal confirmation. At parting he said me only: «You can HEAR!»
Throughout these five years I noticed how my consciousness varies, how my mental and emotional body are changing, how deep transformation connected with awakening is happening. Within these five years everything which was false, superficial, got in ignorance, dissipated; and everything which is true and shines always, has shown more and more clearly.
My solitude was of specific type. I have learnt to retire among people, and though I lived in noisy, huge cities and communicated with people, the main object of my attention was a boundless "Self" with which I retired. Five years passed, and I was ready to lead such life further on, I did not expect return to my former activities, as I used to in the first years of my wandering. But in the autumn of 2011, I received a number of signs which made me to realise a need to express my accumulated experience and to interrupt solitude.
It was a time to cast away stones.