In the world there is only one unbeatable investment - you yourself.
He who invests in himself, never burns out

In May, at the Academy of Leela, spring-summer distance games started, in the editions of this diary, we will publish how the players play.

• 1. Raffle: on the bus sat next to a man who, because of its excessive fullness, took almost two seats, I crouched on the edge. Caught the thought: "There is less need, no longer fit, and people are uncomfortable. My game. Stop! 1. Not judgment! 2. The organism and the environment (feeling of disgust, rejection). There was nowhere to hurry-an attention to breathing, attention to feelings. Thoughts-beliefs. Mask / shadow-I connect the split. Loving Kindness. I feel compassion for the character. Thought: "Most likely to do with this, he already can not do anything, and he certainly suffers ..." Acceptance. Purity.
• 2. Drawing: family evening at home, I play with a child, my husband is with us and here ... I asked something (like, and where is our flash drive, and even kindly tone, it's very under my control, I mean the tone and What I'm telling him, and as I say, I'm already learned in this sense) or asked her husband, he is very rude (in his own manner), he does not even answer, but he is just rude. To my question, "what happened?". He starts to accuse me of something, that I again say something wrong, and that when the child I was silent and never found out anything. I'm writing the text now, but I really can not describe what happened, because it's really not clear what happened. It's just that he seems to have some kind of thought, he broadcasted it in his version, and only scraps of rudeness have already reached me. For me it looked like this: I'm not touching anyone, I'm playing, I'm talking, here - bang dramatically from nothing and from nowhere rudeness and insult. As a warrior, I understand that nothing just does not happen, but still confused, very unexpectedly and most importantly it hurts. Thought: "how tired I am of this communication, do not ask or talk, the innocent question is such an unhealthy reaction." There was a judgment. Stop! The failure to accept such a reality and such a character. Non-acceptance of rudeness and insults. Emotion of resentment. Feeling of abandonment (if so-so allows himself to lead, then I'm not necessary, conviction). The game goes on for a second, and where she sat, and began to live. Attention to breathing, attention to sensation in the body, to the feeling. Abandonment. Abandonment. Abandonment. The child runs around asks: "Mom, why did you close your eyes?". I open my eyes and live with an open feeling, feeling. Thought: "There is still a lot of energy in the body, that's with the help of her husband and drag her to the surface," live me, ". Yes, there are such people, here they go next. Yes, he was always like this and it's invariable. He is this, and I am this. I WILL just be. And I will be effective here and now. The body became soft. I even found the words (forces appeared) in order to talk with my husband in his language (I speak two languages: Russian and to talk with my husband). Not judgment. There are so-as-is. I accept. By mission, humility, and acceptance of everything as is.
• 3. Drawing - a woman came to get a job as a cult organizer. Appearance - shaggy, toothless, face, drunk. And she began to speak - vulgar speech, in words neglect about those with whom she is going to work. Consciousness plays like that. Yes. It can be like that. We must refuse her. I say that only yesterday came two with work experience and one of them we take. She proves that she is experienced, worked as a director. I ask - do you own a computer? Scripts should be searched on the Internet. She began to snore, which is not necessary. I refused her. I realized the need for an assistant, I identified myself with a person. As it were, "positive", not acceptance of "negative". Who am I? Once identified. I am the whole. So maybe.
• 4. Drawing - I wanted to dine with the company with TD. We used to often meet with her in the office together. Now she waved me off and went to the company for lunch with a watchman, who whines that I fired LA. I went into the chief's office - there was a table covered - it turns out to be the employee's birthday. They did not invite me. I went into the dining room - L. says - where you were, we had lunch. Here L. with the dining room began to load me - in the bag she put me bread, milk, juice, fruit. I did not take it, but she handed me the food and left. I went to my office. The company did not work out for me. I'm having dinner. Draw with lots. There are not many. All one. This is an experience. I watched. A fun Consciousness is playing. Well, how do you feel about loneliness?
• 5. Raffle-call E. He says that I'm back at work. The conversation is spinning - which I'm not - all the time at work, I will not call. Order earn. I hear a sneer in my voice, a gloating tone. I feel stupid, stupid, one that is not approved, rejected. There is a desire to justify itself. Do not get involved. Let him judge and mock. Lived rejection. Loneliness.
• 6. The main rally was that I chose "Too simple game", that I should already play OGOGO some unknown complex Games .... And then some garbage ... watch the wind, and every 2 hours to remember about the Source, YES I remember every minute !!! And about such judgments of different intensity noticed during this game. Disinfection occurs when you give up ... "weakness", "uselessness", "uselessness", "loneliness" of "death" ..
• 7. I also notice that Judgments occur when there is a link to the result, a certain expectation, there are ideas about the bad and the good. And as soon as you notice it and let it be any result, the field of pure potentiality itself comes ....
• 8. She felt irritation from her tuffiness and the sharp smell of tobacco that filled the entire room, abruptly replied that she just gave him the phone number. It's obvious! As soon as the door closed behind her, she saw the aversion of her mirror. Too periodically I am dull, but certainly not in such clear situations. The smell of smoke immediately tightened his throat. I feel injustice. The belief that a girl should not smell so, but only perfume or flowers. I see the illusory nature of my belief. Life proves that it can be different. Living near the market, I see it every day with my own eyes. Transformation is the second attention. A state of rest and acceptance.
• 9. Thoughts that I can not reach my son in any way, so that I start studying, only I from the room, he starts playing again. I do not know what to do. -sharp pain in the left temple, like a rod. I feel impotence and helplessness. I can not change anything. I accept, as it is. The body relaxes. A state of rest and acceptance.
• 10. V. dined and promised that in an hour he would sit for lessons. An hour has passed, two and three hours have passed, and my son keeps feeding me with promises that he will sit down in five minutes. She could not stand it and fell, screaming at him. Reminded of responsibility for their words. Persuasion: He said - do it. I feel resentment and injustice - squeezed my throat and head in temples. He does not keep his word. Exams will be coming soon, and there are a lot of "hangers". She went to her room and regained her balance through her breathing. Nothing new and unexpected. I accept reality as it is. The son is already 11 days old, as an adult.
• 11. My sister somehow said something that touched me and then I immediately reacted. At this point, I clearly observed this state of anger or resentment, but it was superficial, not as passionate as before. After a minute I immediately calmed down and started to laugh) I do not know why. Somehow fun everything turned out.)))
• 12. Who sends and forms events? I remembered the assignment when the guy came and ordered me about which I lied to my husband in the morning! Who could know that I lied in the morning, and after 1 hour exactly what I said is going on? Consciousness! But the very fact that I have exaggerated in a positive form and understood again when I form the negative for fear he returns to me, as well as positive.
• 13. I tell my daughter that she is a "Turtle", for me it's bad and I get involved often with my daughter. I do not miss an event, but I stop and convince such people do not like and reject. After said, I felt tension in my body.
• 14. I'm sitting in another room controlling my daughter, thinking again I'm doing the wrong thing, stopping control and watching the breathing, thoughts about my daughter are gone to the background, I felt the block on my back and just watched what was happening.
• 15. I observe the whole day that I act out of fear, hurrying my daughter, for fear of restraining the negative emotion of the son, and in the working environment, people are making me out of a feeling of love, I feel pleasure in the actions when people take what they like.
• 16. In the queue in front of me, the guy he is calculated by a card, the cashier says that only the cash today, he begins to resent, I feel the injustice that no one has warned before, I stand, I watch how I will settle thinking that I have no cash, Since Fear of rejection when I confess that there is no cash, I go to the cashier and confess to her, she says that here the ATM is going to withdraw money, I get a purse to take a card, and there is cash. The division in the mind of the bad to the good stopped. The code also made it clear there is everything at the moment even if you think that this is not it does not mean that it is not.
• 17. I meet my daughter in the appointed place, my daughter asks me to buy a drink, I felt resistance. I hurry home, do not want to wait while she goes to the store, give money and sit down on the bench wait, the daughter comes crying that store is closed sits crying, watch as the mind divides good into bad, let it be that there is an offer of an apple but she refuses and whines that Wants to drink, I suggest getting home, she rises again and goes to another store, she comes crying, he also closed in front of her nose. I saw that before refusing to me it is necessary to try not to refuse and if Consciousness is needed it will do it itself as it should.
• 18. Rally. Her daughter rang, she sells a dacha near Moscow and is very cheap. The daughter always calls and advises, and then knowing that I will be against, has already taken an advance payment, and I find out everything through my sister. And during meditation I received such a thoughtful thought, but after meditation I forgot and remembered, but could not remember. When I learned about the sale, I remembered, but it was already late. I forgot about the game of Consciousness. I was upset, identified with the body-mind. I began to prove. And came to my senses only when my heart and my left hand were already ill. I realized that I fell asleep. Loss. Let them do as they want. This is their life. Now, it was so easy, as if the cargo had dropped.
• 19. A guy provokes me constantly, what is the good of me, that I am engaged in an oasis of awakening. Yes, no use, agree with him. But I see, awareness increases, I have become completely different, I do not need to prove anything to him. I see the game of Consciousness and how it plays through other people. I began to feel the power, and especially I felt it in communication with others, I kind of began to see myself from the outside. I am in and of myself. Much less began to speak. Haha. I am different. I am this state.
• 20. After receiving the game, the character started the process with interest, felt the joy and readiness to move and learn new information about the Rod, which previously provoked resistance and non-acceptance. I'm calling my mother, who at the moment is the only one who knows about grandparents, and she does not pick up the phone, then the phone completely turned off. I realized that the rally started, that my mom went to visit the "green snake" and this can for a long time. I felt pressure in my chest, sadness, fear that without it I will not do anything and I will be bad and unnecessary, because I will not do the job. I call my neighbor and she confirms that now it makes no sense to go, that it is necessary to wait. I accept the game of Consciousness and understand that here are the tests, here are the checks, how I would not want to do it quickly and all in time, everything will be according to the will of Consciousness. Realizing this, I felt a surge of energy and a desire to Play.
  
• 21. Practice the morning
  1. Watching the breath (moment now)
  2. Description of the state
  Bodily sensations: a burning sensation in the throat, tension in the back - back of the neck and waist, strained stomach
  Destructive emotions: wine
  Thoughts: offended and frightened the child
  Event with which the condition is connected: quarrel with daughter
  Calibration: burning in the throat as a sensation of a bright flame, intensity of 5 points
  Transformation: discoloration, then erasing the picture
  Change in status: throat unblocking, I can swallow and breathe smoothly, without stumbling
   3. Social fear (localization in the body): fear of being weak, rejection - a lump in the throat
  Destructive (limiting) belief: one should not show anger, reject
   4. Existential fear (localization in the body): loneliness - emptiness in the solar plexus, compression
  Destructive (limiting) belief: conflicts lead to loneliness
  
  Calibration and transformation: emptiness in the solar plexus region, transforming by adding heat, orange, saturating this brightness space of emptiness
  
  Recapitulation of the history of life: I remember how my mother hugged me in my childhood after the quarrel, how I felt the warmth of her body, her care and love, how she cried for joy that my mother did not alienate, but accepted
  
  Change of beliefs about life: in any event it is possible to learn rapprochement and acceptance
  
  The technique of not doing: to allow one's own impotence, to observe and allow others to manifest their own impotence with acceptance and compassion
• 22. My typical behavior is to think that everyone should take offense at me, that my desires are not guessed - I'm learning to ask and accept refusals. I want to go with my husband, but he did not invite me, so I myself ask if he will not mind if my daughter and I also go. He does not mind, we go for the daughter to the kindergarten, quickly collect it and leave for a meeting. Mountain climbers are people with their own outlook on life, often not coinciding with the opinion of a society that prefers to live in safety and comfort. Mountaineers are constantly aware of the risk of their lives, experiencing certain difficulties and testing themselves for strength. They have their own circle of communication and they speak their own language. I am not a climber, but I am a mountaineer's wife and already understand a little about what they are talking about and how important it is for them. I'm interested in their life and any experience. The spouse is glad that we went with him, he cares about us, leaving not alone, so that we feel comfortable. Although "we" - loudly said. Not comfortable with me, my daughter feels like a fish in the water, she quickly figured out where that is and left alone to explore the territory. I sat down on one of the sofas, with a lump in my throat and a sense of fear of rejection. I noticed that I try to behave perfectly ...
•  23. We pass the turn of the Reserve by about 30 meters, I propose to go back and travel exactly on it, cutting 120 km, knowing that there is gravel and therefore we will go slower, but in beautiful places, my husband doubted that he would be very shaken because. The car is spring, but agreed, because I said that we are not in a hurry and will go as the car will allow us. There is joy because 1 year ago we traveled from the Transfiguration on the heights with the husband this segment was with adventures since a gloomy rain which lasted 12 hours in a row and ending with frequent puncture of the chambers, and we after the campaign for the first time today rode this route by car together with the husband. We went and remembered how fun and extreme it was, the children asked us why we laughed, telling me I felt the warmth in my whole body, the joy and the desire to live. The husband at the end of the road said that it's very good that we went this way.
•  24. Rally. We go in the car, the girl does massage to the driver. Deep night. The girl was tired, bent down and almost asleep. At first I protested that she was asleep. I felt sorry for her, I myself was exactly in the same situation, but then I saw that this game suits the girl, although she complains that she is tired. Just further observed this game, for me it's unusual - just to watch without interfering. Emotion was no more. There was peace.
• 25. Today, according to the scenario of the game, I must die. I would like to leave all social activity before death and devote all the time to myself. I realize this in the third game, when I go on a 3-day day retreat. Although it is not important what to do, the main thing with what is identified at every moment of time. I will not say good-bye to anyone, social roles are already boring. My main task in this incarnation was: to be in mindfulness, in the presence, preferably every moment of time. Identify which trends are still strong and are forced to be identified with the body or mind. In future incarnations, I need to loosen control. Who can control life? It is necessary to observe how the mind interprets, explains everything around. This is also only a habit - to give it so much value and invest your energy. With love and gratitude to Life for the opportunity to touch the Truth.
• 26. When I got from Sangha which game to play, inside I realized that I would play Psychogenetics. " I got 1-game, caught myself that it's so interesting, I've never been interested in ancestors before and I was not at all interested in what kind of people I was, who my ancestors were, how they lived, what happened in their lives, what they were like . On the first day I made sketches, what I know, and realized that I do not know anything at all.
•  27. On the retreat, during satsang with Rama on skype, he just touched on the topic of "Psychogenetics" and gave a very important clue how to work. All the remaining time of the retreat, my character plunged very deeply and I saw how great-grandmother and great-grandfather had a very strong sense of guilt, they had a strong fear of loss. I saw my grandmother (my mom's mother) as a child who had parents in front of her eyes and how they lay next to each other and were covered with a white sheet. And how much she had inside of not lived feelings of loss and not justice, not understanding what is happening, confusion and fear. I saw very strong resistance, not acceptance of reality. Entered the image of grandmother and great-grandmother and lived feelings. It was a profound understanding of how these fears were first transmitted to my mother, and then to me and how I transferred all this to my son. And all this is connected by the maternal line.
• 28. Today Vika's sister called, I did not see her for 20 years, she said that tonight, somewhere at 8 or 9 o'clock will come and stay one day. My mother and I went to meet Vika. Mom burst into tears when she saw her niece, because in front of us stood a young Isolda (my mother's sister). Vika, she became so much like her mother. Went to us, from the road, Vika was very tired and hungry. At some point, my mother began to cry, remembered the deceased father. Vika, began to regret her, and my mother's victim, became even more. If earlier, I was in a sort of stupor and did not know what to do. Then I quickly translated the situation to another topic, and began to say: "Let us now remember our relatives together and build our genogram." Vika, so interested, she told me a lot, what I did not know at all. I listened to her, looked at her and saw in her Consciousness, which manifested itself exactly at that moment, which was needed.
•   29. I felt a whole day of great sorrow, a kind of compassion or the sadness of existence. I do not know why it arose, but it was perfect. Last time I noticed how my loneliness began to transform. Previously, it was a method to avoid suffering and fear of society. Now I notice that friendship, relationships, family, all this seems to come up before me not real, I stopped running from it, but at the same time, clinging also ceases, clinging, hope. I understand that all this is not permanent and it makes no sense to try to cling to and hope for some eternal and frank friendship. Every time when people like me have made a connection, life has always torn this connection. I continued to run in that direction, I hoped, but history repeated itself. So my hope died, and I began to discover that I really do not need it, that inside me there is that source of happiness that I seek outward, and life guides me constantly there. I notice that I can let go of everything. It's a feeling that I'm powerless against fate. And at the same time this joy and tranquility that arises after the storm. I cling so hard to everything, and it all goes away and brings suffering. What always does not end? That's where my mind directs me.
  
  To be continued...

Ha - ha! Playing!

The Leela.