Our biggest drawback is,
That we too quickly drop our hands.
The most sure path to success is
All the time try again.
Thomas Edison

In the meantime, some players of the Academy of Leela, continue to play remote games and live in a heightened awareness mode. And we continue to acquaint you with the rallies that are encountered on their way.

• In the body there is tension in the spine. Event - a new organizer came. Preparing with children for the concert. She scolded the girl and did not allow her to go to the concert. The symbol - a child crying, my mother is indignant, my father - a face dissatisfied. Fear of condemnation. The rejection. I can not be justified. In the past - LA. "Attacked" on vacationers, did not give singing. Symbol - dissatisfied persons. The image is a weak, helpless mask. The shadow is coarse, willful, rigid. The connection of the mask is a shadow. There is no set. I - one - the whole. Who am I? Accepting yourself for who you are. I need this experience. This girl needs experience exactly. Acceptance, delivery. Once identified.
• Need to eat. Dinner. Basic need. Hunger. Biological requirement. I understand greed. I'm not going into the dining room. No time, I'd better have something to eat in the office. And I'm going to spend time in dining laziness, I'd better do some things. Labor demand. I see the dark part of the Ego. I realize the desire to get approval - good - I did a lot of things, I managed everything. I'm in no hurry to eat what's in the cabinet. Once identified. I go to the dining room. Slowly I get a full dinner. I observe that I am not a body or a person.
• In the body - heaviness in the legs - in the hips. The event - today the chief said that the audit will not arrive in August, September, but in July and August. He will not let anyone on leave. No replacement for those who are financially responsible person. Fear of condemnation. I can not go to school. The rejection. Betrayal. I was counted on, I did not fulfill my obligations, promise. The need of the ego. In discipline, in recognition, overcoming failure, defeat. This should not be. In the past, I deceived expectations - people gave me money so I sent them fish, and they took the fish off the market. Time passed, there was no fish, money could not send - the address lost. Deceiver, irresponsible, bad, weak. Loneliness. Symbol - faces dissatisfied, hands waving, gloating look. Weakness - I did not find these people, the money was small, but foreign. I accepted myself as "bad." I need just such an experience. I need it. Once identified. Letting go. Consciousness disposes. Let everything happen, as it happens.
• And then again I do not want to go home, I track this state. At home, too. Dirt, stink (I connect the body to the environment). I clearly notice that I do not have enough strength - I fall into an emotion. Anger. From the powerlessness of tears. I look out for someone who cries and what. I stop feeling sorry for myself. I accept reality. I see the one who resists. Who can not accept this destiny in any way. Pain. The thought: "What is it, how long it will last, I can not stand it anymore." Feeling weak, helpless, desperate. All because I do not accept a drinking man. I'm going to recapitulation: do not even have to take any particular episode, just dad - and everything and you can endlessly live. I live there this feeling, I look at the picture (dirt, stink,). Hopelessness, despondency, sadness. First I miss sadness-it will be as long as it takes. Transformation. Yes, so it is, he lives his life, but no one prevents me from living his own life.
  
  On this occasion, I have powerlessness. There is a lot of work, there is something to work with. Consciousness of course was dying of me. I am with the utmost humility for the twenty-fifth time of my sex. I take out bottles, I rub them, I remove them. But when he put the bottle on the children's dining table and poured it, I fell through. Emotion of anger. I raised my voice. "Yes, as much as you can, I'm sick of you, you're completely oborzel." The state of weakness of impotence. But I accept, I will not attach legs anymore (run away). I will live as much as I need, this is my strength. Once again washed the floors. Lived feeling. And then I easily communicated with him, joking. And I still found for what it can be praised. I let him go. He really has his own tasks. We are in different dimensions. And I will show concern, and send him love.
• During the day, I tried to observe the body and ego sensations. That's what I noticed. For a whole day, not a few energies (emotions) showed themselves which were transformed into heat / heat eventually, gradually the inner voice (dialogue) began to disappear, and I began to observe the silence. There were fluctuations and attention was not 100% sustainable.
• At that moment, I began to feel such sensations that I would call a disidentification, I began to feel more and more not bodily and ever more distant from the world of mind. Fears, unrest, anger, etc., etc. All these emotions began to disappear, I got a fragrance of truth there, which helped me to slow down, I can call glimpses or remember myself in part. At that moment I saw how this state begins to go away gradually and then I realized that we should not hurry, now I do not remember anymore it's already gone, but I remembered that there is not much hurry, it's necessary to have patience and do what it should and then that I can do now, and I just started to watch, I saw myself striving for somewhere, how I want to go there without knowing where the body was boiling at that moment. A little confused. There was something else. Something important that I forgot. I saw my unwillingness, not maturity, and at the same time I knew that I was already trying to get there. Also knew, that should be patient and simply to trust. Was ready for any situation and a life rally.
• Today I spent in the exact opposite of yesterday. I almost did not notice the body as if I did not try, all day long I tried desperately to observe the body and about 5% of the time I was able to watch him. Why did not happen so I do not know. I realized that I did not get carried away and did not fall asleep, but still could not watch my body yesterday. Forgot almost all the wisdom received, but nevertheless continued to observe. This experience was already earlier. Surely my shadow so showed up, something that I'm missing out of sight. This is how it is between sleep and reality.
• "I attack" my husband with a claim that he "improperly" tidied up the bed, I feel displeasure ... I see his puzzled face and the phrase "what kind of fly did you bite?", There is a return to yourself, and I see how I believed in the thought-belief "all Should be in order ", what order ?? I notice something solid in my chest ... and bu-bu-bu is a booze that no one supports this "magnificent order"! - there is a disunity and laughter)))
• Drawings are recognized by the thoughts of "bunnels" or "dreamers" and returning to the silence of the present moment, seeing how sensations, emotions, sounds around, breathing are manifested ... how everything is changing each other ...
• Before practice, I notice persistent thoughts that my son did not call me back ...
  T.O. Squeeze in the chest
  Emotion Anxiety anxiety
  Feeling of fear
  Thoughts something happened to him ....
  Event The son did not call back and did not respond to the SMS request ...
  The Motion of Loneliness is useless
  Soc. Abandonment
  I observe and allow to be all these manifestations ....
  Sometimes it contracts more strongly and tears of pity roll in and then releases ...
  The mind draws Stories from the Past .... Exaggerated waiting in the evening of her husband ... let me be this .... I realize that it's just there right now ... Gradually the intensity of all manifestations subsides and there is a failure in thoughtlessness .... Silence of the present
  After practice, I realize that life is unpredictable and diverse and really something can happen ... pleasant or not ... everything comes and goes ... I Am.
• The husband refused the campaign
  Thoughts: you can not bring the team recapitulation: 2002 V., I was confronted with the fact to participate in the contest 'Leader of the Year', I did not know about it yet, but they already put me. The preparation was held with the support of the group, but I was never even a counselor, there was no knowledge at all, when the dress rehearsal took place I learned that the other participants from the teams are 3-4 years old, and I did not even finish it at the first one yet. Panic, desire to escape, fear will be abandoned, rejected. The next day I refuse to participate because Saw the preparation of the 4th course, during the day I was in shock and how could I put myself I do not know anything in this area and I'm on my first year. The next day I came to the director and she explained to me that there are no more candidates for this contest, but according to the program our institution should participate and it is necessary to tick off that the college took part - this is necessary for the report of the work of antiseptic activity. I said that I will take part, but for the sake of participation and experience, and not for getting the first place. I then began to understand and feel that this is a game and how I will play, so it will be. I realized that the level of preparation we have is low starting with the inventory for the contest and ending with knowledge, I only on stage learned that I will need to work with the hall ie. Hold some game and show it right in the hall as it's possible to hold it visually with the audience, I was number 5 while the participants 8 were playing the game, I stood and was in shock, the desire to fail, to escape, but I remembered the words of the Director that the college needed a tick . For a long time the college did not take part, having looked in a huge hall of VSUES, I saw in the middle a vertical separation, i.e. Series, dividing the hall into two teams came a stupor, I never played a game, I admit myself ignorant, my body shook, my turn came. I was afraid that I would be rejected in any case, if I leave the stage rejected, even stay, but I can not cope, too, rejected. I was given a microphone and there is a hitch, something started to say the host and I quietly tell the opponent: I do not know how to play the game with the audience! But the opponent said on the move you come up with! When the microphone was working, I designated two teams aloud and held a contest.
• We shared the fourth place with another group, it was very scary and reckless. I saw that accepting everything as it is, gives tremendous power. Back in the situation with her husband as he throws the team, I realized that I do not need to change anything, I saw that it would happen so what experience is necessary for me and my husband. The body relaxed, there was lightness.
• 2 days in a row made a note to my mother at the expense of my daughter, then my head is dirty, my feet are wet, my mother calls and she says that she should be engaged in her daughter and stay at home, I answer well, I remember how I do not want my son to live with us so that no one interferes those. Calmly I understand that so much suffering, my daughter calls and sends my mother the words that my daughter would come to me, I agree, but I really wanted to call back my mother and tell her a remark that my daughter did not say so, but did not call. Recapitulation: last year when the daughter was staying with her mother, we quarreled because My daughter fell ill, and my mother refused to let her daughter go to the street, I understood the fear of death for my daughter, my sense of anger, loss. Everything will be as it will be and switched to the present moment.
• Daughter comes with flowers tore in a flower bed, and in the morning I so wanted someone to give flowers, my daughter and I did not sit together for a week, they talked kindly, my daughter helped me at work, my mother called me and she told my daughter to go to her mom, no matter how In what did not happen. After two hours, my mother comes with her daughter to see and discuss training days with her daughter in the section. How everything is foldable and easy to get, when you let everything be.
• My husband leaves at home at 7.00, after an hour I understand that I left for a new job in V., I did not ask anything. The other day I asked him about his business, and my husband said that he did not want to talk anymore.
  Thoughts: he did not say anything, I had to figure out where he was so early, the conviction of such relations should not be in the family.
  Social fear of humiliation
  Exist.astra death
  Recapitulation: when I control my husband, and he answers me where he is and what he is, then I begin to get impudent, forbid him to do what he wants, talk a lot, and after that we quarrel, we say nothing. And when we are silent and I do not know where he is, everything is calm, I do not know why I have to worry and do not feel fear and then there is no loneliness, but fear of meaninglessness in relationships comes.
  Recapitulation: the father never told his mother how much money he had, but he always gave money to me and disposed of as he would like, and my mother learned to make more money herself, she had and even more than her father. She bought real estate herself, cars much more. I understood. I remember that I do not talk much about my husband either, for example, at the expense of money where I spend them, especially if it concerns trips, because he does not understand this, and sometimes I can say less on the expense of expensive things, and when I need more to add so much That is enough for two things ie. Balancing the process knowing the situation and the husband that now you can ask for more, and tomorrow less to say the cost.
• I realized that my husband will consider saying this and I need to know, and that there is no court. My husband still will not change what he did, in my opinion, I will change the reaction to his secrets, and if he says secrets, then do not keep quiet as he did.
• The husband came home, does not talk, I smell the beer, he was away with the director of the new institution, it is clear why the trip was canceled by the husband. He chose the job to help run the hall. My husband has experience. We passed it more than once, and of course the purchase of equipment is a delicate matter, so that we do not have to re-buy it, it is important to know what to take immediately. My husband does not deal with questions about work, about anything, maybe I do not need to ask about it, so as not to be upset and not to reproach my husband for helping develop another enterprise. I know that my husband did the right thing, that he changed the place, so he would sit still for 10 years and no development.
• Long talk with mom. She talks about my husband's conversations with her. Clear perception of its inadequate perception. Even initial paranoia. Understanding this moment brings me into a state of strong emotional tension: what to expect when divorced? The fog in my head. The brother calls: it's time to go. The daughter-in-law and brother, seeing my state, begin to ask first, and then advise: what to do with the husband. The head became heavy. He is bawling. Pressure in the forehead. Confusion. Begins self-pity and the accusation of the husband inside, in my thoughts. It is the appearance of a desire to complain and the beginning of phlegm from the eyes, I understand: the game. I went to rock my daughter and, while walking with the stroller, I concentrate on the step and head. I remember the recent retreat.
  E: Death!
  SS: abandonment (loss)
  M: you do not know what to expect from him, maybe he will take away his daughter.
  Event: remember the grandmother before his death. Her sudden departure. Then I was in trouble. But I see exactly the moment when I saw her last time alive. I realize: the fear that I can not change anything and do anything. Before the unknown, helplessness.
  Now I am experiencing too: helplessness, fear of suspense and death. What I can? Only play ... flawlessly, as I understand this perfection. And as best I can. It makes me feel better. The plate leaves the chest and the head clears, there is no pain in it. I see fear, I know I'm helpless before the forces of the Game, but I'm playing ... right now
• I'm waiting for a message from V. I watch a desire to stick to him.
  T. O: Boring heavy pressure in muscles with right scapula.
  E: love
  Ch: impatience, thirst for attention.
  M: Well, when will he write that already ?!
  SS abandonment. (So ​​that will not give attention)
  ES: loneliness.
  Event: I'm sitting in a chair, I'm about 16. I'm very sad. Piercing such sadness and emptiness ... loneliness.
  Work: I understand that I was experiencing this feeling of loneliness. And resisted him, considering him a weakness and a depression. I let him be then. Then Consciousness shows me that in experiencing this feeling, next to me there were people giving me Love and attention. As it is today in the park. But I do not see this, because I think that I am alone. Awareness: "Loneliness is just a thought." I immerse myself in this thought and sensation of the weight of the body. And again the space of love. It seems to me that it is in me. Then a coup: or am I in it? What it is necessary to open simply to him? The back at that point became warmer, the weight was gone and the energy pulsed. Pink color. Once sat down, immediately there is an image: the space of the Masters, the closest Rama. Everyone is watching the opening of a new lotus. I understand: the lotus is me. Recollection: I am in the winter forest next to the carriage of the sleeping daughter. She is 1.8 years old. In remembrance, I close my eyes: and I pray for the way of the heart. That I want to go this way. Memories of the books I read after this, a meeting with the OP, study, and here I am, in this space of lotus creatures. And I too watch the opening of the lotus. Inside the agreement: I believe and follow the heart, the Consciousness. And not outside opinion. I just live what I-Consciousness wants to live.
• Body sensations: vibration in the eyebrow -2b., Pain in the right shoulder -3b., Numbness of the middle and ring fingers of the right hand; Lomyaschaya pain in the right knee - 2b., A broken knee; Numbness of right foot.
  Thoughts: The thoughts come to mind about what A. said about our apartment. Inside, there are no emotions, but I observe my thoughts calmly. It seems that there is a fear in the subconscious that he can do as he said while being drunk. Recapitulation.
  Transformation by the second attention and expansion. I accept sensations and feelings, as is. A state of rest and acceptance. Yes, people can manifest themselves in different ways. In every person there are both light and shadow sides and all this, there are manifestations of Consciousness.
• I called the chairman to pick up the protocols. He said that he himself will bring. I opened the gate to him, and he showed me a pile of rubbish, which I. safely folded in the street and said that he had to be removed. I invited him to tell me about it I. He shared with me what he gets up behind his back A. I can hear his pain in connection with the fact that he is lying to people. (I feel the squeezing in the temples-inside indignation, aversion to lies.) Belief: A man should not behave like this, I see the falsity of my conviction and relax.) I listened to him and suggested that he not spend his energy on this person, but rather prepare for the meeting and calmly reply To all questions posed to him. Such people were, are and will be, so do not waste your energy on them. I tell him, but I hear myself talking to my injustice.
  Picture: Smoking L., from which smells like tobacco and fume. I feel compression in the area of ​​the stomach -3b. And podtashnivanie, the body becomes denser - rejection.
  She made the image long and narrow, then short and wide - she burst out laughing. Next time, as soon as I see this image in real life, I will do this trick.
  Tilting the picture to myself and from myself, I saw the smoke from a cigarette walking up and down. The state of nausea increased.
  Made the image transparent and saw her skeleton. It's funny.
  Changing the limits of the picture to a panoramic image, almost choked with smoke, compression in the throat and in the stomach increased.
  Changed the sharpness of the image to a blurry. Feelings and feelings are gone.
• I play with my son. He likes this game. I say: you're a dragon and you're a three-headed. He smiles, in what way does he not argue. A little later comes a new thought, I play further. I say: one you have a good head, the second is fierce, and the third head is wise, it is between them, it does not allow the second to devour the first one. I have not seen my son so happy for a long time. And now I'm cunning, often reminding him that he's three-headed. I say, dragon: oh! Your eyes are now blue, and they are really blue, you have a good head right now. He smiles. Then I look my eyes change-gray (not happy). I say: that the evil dragon, the fire-breathing head earned. He begins to smile so well. Recently, he continues to speak rudely, but much less, became softer, the good and good began to wake up in him, but I'm not deceived. His opinion about me has not changed, and it still affects me a lot. The game continues.
• During the day I worked at the dacha with pleasure. By evening, my vigilance had lost. My sister's husband was indignant and indignant that I stayed late at the dacha, I told him the word, word by word, and offended him seriously, he did not expect such an opinion from me. He stopped talking, his heart ached. She felt guilty. At the very beginning, I began to pull my neck and a small weight on my heart. I thought: we must correct the situation. I see the game of Consciousness. She said what was on her heart. And the very conviction, the anger is bad. I asked for forgiveness already knowingly. The mood has risen. What conclusions have been made: show anger, but watch out for the words that you are tormenting. A good lesson, but the rake is the same.
• A bodily sensation is a contraction in the heart. The intensity is 6-7 points. Belief, so men do not behave. Compresses fear. I ask the unconscious. I'm waiting. Picture. The intercom rings, the ex-husband is going home. And if earlier it was a pleasant memory, then now I shudder. What I'm afraid of is his arrival. A sense of humiliation, resentment, anger. I begin to understand, it's not him, this Consciousness is playing through it. I change my feelings. There's a lot of good in it, and I'm used to thinking about it only badly. He shows generosity. Why do I have such a belief. He is different. Do not expect anything from him, do not rely on him. He is what he is. And my beliefs about him, that he should be so-idealistic. I feel sympathy and compassion for him. I imagine a fire and throw pictures-memories. Heart is easier. Attitude towards her husband has changed. She began to understand him. The body is light, I breathe with all my heart. I continue to breathe. I experience joy. The intensity of pain decreased to 1 point.
• In the maternal line, there is a strong negative criticism of everyone. This is one of the forms not to take weakness in yourself, criticizing it. I remember how it was done by my grandmother, almost all of her children and grandchildren do it, too. Mostly my mother has a very strong criticism The address of all. And she does not want to admit to herself that she, too, can be so, and so is weak. I had a very strong criticism and now I understand that it's genetically a code that needs to be stopped. There is an understanding that this trend is very strong, now more and more awareness comes. I remember how much I blamed my mother for condemning, criticizing, and doing the same thing herself, and did not give herself a report. And it was so embedded in me that I did not even notice how it ruins me.
• Mom went into the house. I work at the computer, I write the history of the family. I ask many questions, because much is not clear to me, I do not remember much. Mom responds at first calmly, but later starts to get angry, irritated, the phrases "do not you understand?", "Do not you remember, I told you already?", And then - "quicker ask me already I have to go to vomit." And I do not want to ask anymore. I feel resentment in me, I am immersed in childhood memories, my mother is always once, she is angry with questions, screaming, irritated and I hear all the same phrases as now. I can swallow this, because I do not want to offend my mother, I do not want to be rejected by her, I do not want to be alone, but then I'll hide and suppress emotions, harming the body. As a child, I did, fell silent and endlessly suffered from angina. So now I let the emotions be, I express what I want to say. At first I pause, and then instead of asking about my sister, I wonder if she remembers how we once did geometry, and she asked me all the same questions, and I cried and thought, why did I even call my mother for help? Mom does not like what I'm saying, she starts to wave her hands and says that I know that such talk about the past does not allow her to sleep, she's been up all night. I note that now my pity is ready, and with it the feeling of guilt. I thank them for their appearance, but I do not go on about it. I reply to my mother that I remember all this not to accuse her of anything, but in order to stop her running, to draw her attention to the fact that the behavior after 25 years has not changed and the phrases are the same, we are still the same Somewhere we rush on all sails, without hearing or listening to each other. I asked her where she was running, what was she afraid of? For whom she plants all these vegetables, if the most valuable does not happen - we can not just sit down and talk about ourselves, about our family, talk for at least 10 minutes, not going anywhere. I'm talking calmly, I say what I was silent about. Mom stops talking. It seems to me that she heard something. Her body seems to slow down its course, as if its energy has gathered in one point, and now I feel that she really hears me, and we can talk. Mom stops washing dishes, sits on the bench and we calmly continue talking about her sister. I feel whole, I feel very happy.
• Today I was at home, doing housework, accompanied by meditations. I tried to do everything slowly, very consciously. There was a calm, silence. The mind was rarely included. By the end of the day it turned out that in this stream I did a lot of things and was almost not tired. Sometimes I realized complete emptiness and immobility. All threw and sat in meditation. A wonderful day.
•   In general, the incarnation was not calm. Yes, this is not a monastery! But these challenges, rallies of everyday life make you more and more aware and alert. During these games I analyzed my life. I am not disturbed by loneliness: all the highest experiences happen in it. Now I see very well how far everything is illusory, everything is out of the mind, out of social conditioning. It really is a dream. And I suffer when I believe that this dream is real.

To be continued...

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