Do not rely too much on anyone in this world,

because even your own shadow leaves you,

when you are in darkness. (Eastern wisdom)

Some players of the Academy Leela, live in a heightened awareness mode, continuing to play distance games and. And we continue to acquaint you with the rallies that occur on their way.

•  The whole day in this atmosphere. Periodically, the dwarf yells, wants to cry, but something does not cry, I see it, I find it. I catch my thoughts: "He needs to help somehow, he's bad, he cared about me all the time, and when he got sick, I see I want to run away." Adoption. I go to the recapitulation: I accept my dad, live a sense of shame, guilt, humiliation, abandonment. I do not have to go anywhere !!! All!!! I accept. I live. I make the choice to take care and stay at home. My husband does not need this especially, although he tells me to stay at home. My body aches, I do not want to be home. But this is a karmic debt. Yes, I myself chose a man. It was my choice, and now those are the consequences of this choice. I'm humbling myself.
•  In the evening, my mother called, and with great resentment asks why I do not call her, and I'm not interested in how she feels. I fail (bad daughter), for fear I say that she thought she was asleep, and how she would call back. She: "May it be so bad that I can not call. I was again hurt, I again swallowed the pill, but you are not interested in how I am. " Complete failure. Thought: "Yes, indeed the truth could call to inquire. Bad ungrateful daughter, and with me children will also act, then do not whine. " Guilt. Abandonment. Belief: children should take care of their parents, pay attention to them. Good belief. My character is limping. I miss the guilt, for her insult, I miss, for her abandonment, I live, I allow everything to be like that. Yes, I'm such an unsophisticated child. Having lived, not-doing: I call my mother, and I suggest going to the polyclinic to take tests and find out what happens to her. Thus, my worries in the manifestation as it is are happening. Mom calms down, but is offended. I see, of course, that it requires love and attention from outside (the mirror immediately shows). Mask rough, not caring, cold, in the shadow hidden softness, vulnerability, caring, compassion (my character was irritated by the compassionate, it is clear why, this is a weakness). I accept. I unite the split (between conviction: the compassionate people are tedious, weak, frail (and here the frail is not clear, but the mind that I have believed for a long time now acts, now I see all the stupidity of this belief.) Acceptance: I can take care as I see it, for it's not necessary to talk with the injured or needing help in a dying tone, sit side by side and groan and sigh My help and care in the other manifests itself in a confident tone, send it to the clinic for its own good, convince her that she needs it. there is my concern. you can do it differently, well, who suddenly told me that only a sickly dying moaning is caring. The mind sometimes raves.
•  The draw - the two did not go on a tour - left without them. The firm said money will not return. Their problems are that they went for a walk. And they will come to me tomorrow and will demand to return money to them - which is about two thousand. Have come - quietly I give phone of firm - explain, that at you happens. Yes, they may be late. Yes, the firm can not return money to them. They need to live through this loss. Anything can happen. Without condemnation. There is no one who condemns, loses, acquires. Nothing to do is not necessary. Somehow they agreed. Also have dispersed.
•  Drawing - the DJ reports that he needs another day to recover. Means, today again there will be no discos. I'm not doing anything. I declare that there will be no discos. There is no need for approval, I calmly report the illness of the DJ. This is reality. Today I can not find a replacement, money. No one condemns, does not resent. I'm ready to listen to discontent. The need to be accepted is satisfied. I'm watching the event. Who am I? Once identified. Just now. This.
• Drawing - to recruit a new organizer. I conducted an instruction with her at her request to her on official duties. The fact that we do not have a palace of culture. People came to relax, they can participate in amateur performances with different levels of talent. Allow all to participate. She comes on Monday. I appointed a rehearsal time for the concert of tourists. At the appointed time to work did not come out. He does not call, he does not say anything. Everybody is waiting, they ask. Before this, the administration says that we must take a new one and educate. I started rehearsing myself. Comes late for an hour. I make her a remark that we have military men - we need discipline. The new girl says that she knows herself a price and knows how much it costs an hour of her work. And will come as he wants. It is absolutely unexpected for me, I tell her - I will not sign a statement to you - I do not want to work with you! She began to "attack" me, to prove. This is what Consciousness ordered. There is no set. I accept myself so different. And it happened like this spontaneously. In an instant - that's all! There is no one! And there was not. There is nobody to educate! I accept the "bad". I live alone. The need for respect, recognition, is satisfied with me.
• She quarrels, swears, I react proudly, then I catch myself on this and start laughing. At this moment, I begin to observe this feeling of (pleasant) happiness. At first I'm disappointed and start to feel like I forbade myself to be happy, after some time of observation I notice that I got involved in the game and immediately start watching. Feeling of happiness it looks like a yellow tickling fire in the manipura chakra zone. Which becomes gradually a simple flow of heat. And all the meanings previously devoted to these emotions are losing power and only the moment remains now. now I often notice my pleasant feelings, and I can notice the habit of getting involved in them. I notice how I do not want to be conscious, how I like to experience this happiness. How I want to live a full life. And then I realize that in difficult moments of life I always run into awareness as a desperate step, but now it's time to be more serious about this. And try harder. More responsible to be.
• I can say for sure that if it was not for awareness, in my life, I would either be in deep depression without it, or would have ended it long ago with life. And this opportunity to observe. This gift, the vision of the body, emotions, sensations, skill or skills of the hunter save my life. But at the same time life thus giving me such a gift, opportunity, leaves me no choice as Observations without interference. That is, gives such situations in life where the only choice is still interference, what a funny and strange game).
• I noticed that I myself still very unstable keep attention on the body and that all these situations, depression, unrest, etc. help me. How do they help? When all these emotions are gaining strength they begin to manifest themselves very strongly inside and it becomes almost impossible not to observe the body. After this day during meditation in the evening, a sense of depression in the chest again popped up and felt in my head. This time, how could I be so tired of depression that after so many days spent alone with her I began to just watch this state for everyone else, like for joy, for excitement, for anger, fear, etc. not giving special attention to these sensations, but simply observing without interfering. And at that moment one part of me wanted to cry from despair, and the other to laugh with happiness, and for this also watched. This state of depression was born of a multitude of thoughts (rejection of various situations) that I see when the body shows them to me, this is how to reconsider the whole life in an instant. Where you instantly see every detail. Well, now I continue to observe the feeling of depression without interference. The sensation in the chest was like a clamped-up bomb of different energies.
• In different identifications, the choice is different ... with a strong pleasant involvement, when there are events where you need to make a choice - to return at the moment, sometimes you want to brush it off, like, leave it, it's so fun and good, why do a cocoa "boring choice "... and you need to make an effort to return to here and then the choice is done by itself ... and also when identifying with suffering, with the" whiner "noticing the identification I make the choice to the present ... and this is the CHOICE!
• Sometimes I realize that the choice was made in identification with fear, because the identification was stronger than awareness ... and I continue to play.
• I went to a meeting with G. through which she will introduce me to her technologist in public catering. I drive up to the place to see the shop on the left, and from the right of the cafe and this is one fashionable establishment, the sadness that I could not set up my cafe. Knowing my task is now tuned to a meeting with G., I go to the store. the cafe is closed to me leading to the utility room, the mind is comfortable crawling equipment, cleanliness is everything to like, no acceptance, there is resentment for not perfecting yourself for not knowing that I may not know something. The meeting was successful, G. a very open woman I know her 10 years for this time she worked a lot where she worked as a confectioner and eventually opened successfully. The technologist immediately went to the meeting, she was also open and quite interested in me. I saw the team spirit in this institution, I made a reservation on the day of the meeting, on the payment and about what I should bring the technological maps, the joy of the desire to move on. Consciousness opens new doors.
• We go with my daughter in a cafe, I feel that I do not want to eat lunch, but I can not leave the cafe without ordering anything, so in this case only the bad ones act if I put so, then all those who come to me will leave me. I feel the dependence on this thought even, it is connected with the fear of death in lack of money. I feel disharmony from the fact that I do not want to eat and can not get up and leave. I plan the situation around, my daughter started drawing. new bought felt pens, does not look on the menu means not hunger, I watch the waiter began to take orders from those who came later than we. Yes, I saw and felt the signs that you can not order, it all said that I feel right. She asked her daughter to go out with a cafe, she readily agreed. After going to work we were left with a surprise from her husband's delicious fish dinner, this gesture confirms that I'm moving in the right direction.
• Mom goes to work and asks where her daughter is, does not go any further, feels closedness and resentment from her, turned attention to herself, I reject my mother not attentive to her daughter's attitude to how my daughter is dressed, not in the weather, I feel the alarm and the fear of death. Mom turns around and leaves, leaves me and does not take me aggressive (two days ago I raised my voice to my mother), the desire to stop my mother from feeling dependent on bad relationships, and not to feel guilty for my behavior. I miss the state of breathing, I let my mother go, after a while the warmth in the body allowed to be everything.
• You need to ask the teacher's daughter for documents confirming her social activity in A. I note that I do not want to ask. E: fear; H: pity (to myself); TO: a spasm of the throat, muscles of the mouth and shoulders are tense. M: Can not ask? Can not be needed? SS: rejection. I'm asking for the sake of the Game. She promises to do one document, in another way - refusal. Nothing terrible happened.
• Acquaintance with the nanny for the daughter. While I'm going to study again, for a month. I agree to it, because it takes inexpensively and because it's my girlfriend's girlfriend. Good. But the fear of leaving her with her is present. No trust. I notice: E: fear; H: fear of loss and mistrust; M: I do not want to leave, how will she be here? SS and E.C do not track. I remind myself of the credibility of Life: now I have been offered the best solution in my situation
• Left her daughter to communicate on skype with dad. She went into the shower. I come, my daughter is playing in the other corner of the room, my husband is cutting skype in front of my eyes. At once the guilt was traced. Heat crawled up the spine, thought: guilty. Accepted that there is this feeling. Reminded myself that there was no need to prove that I was worthy of love. Five minutes later my husband calls back. It turns out that the Internet has been cut off from him. And I've already decided everything.
• The husband sent an agreement on the division of property with the accompanying letter, with manipulations and reminders of what I'm bad. Then there was a conversation with him. My attempts to say that I was humanly towards him ... were severely hampered, because everything human was destroyed by me. Clearly saw the game. Emotionally not conducted, did not seek to prove "worthy of me." He has the right to think anything about me. I accept. I lost that I do not have enough arguments and clarity to express my opinion, it stops quickly. The gain is that I did not prove and did not want to prove "my goodness".
• Gathered and went to the bath. Today is full of people. She changed her clothes and asked for permission, to settle in with two women. I waited until they came out of the steam room. Women came out and told us to close the window. I went in, greeted everyone and climbed up to close the window. Having put my foot on, she sharpened the woman who was looking at me and saw A. Joyfully said "hello" to her. S. with greeted lips complained and told me a complaint that I did not immediately see her. Quietly answered: "Yes S., you are right, vision is not improving." The girl with whom we bought tickets began to tell us how we were warned, so that we did not stay more than two hours and theatrical only 15 minutes. It turned out that not only we were told about this. A. turns on the conversation and begins to indignantly tell him that earlier she only paid extra for being in the bath for three hours, and now she does not pay the principle, since nobody else pays. With each minute, the degree of her story increased and went on a furious cry. I put my hand on her shoulder to help her hear myself, but she dropped it sharply, throwing an angry eye at me. Everything is clear, "do not ask, do not climb." Quietly plunged into myself - no offense, there is only compassion. I feel warm and tender in my chest.
• I write a report on the last day and suddenly my mother comes and starts to distract me. Brings into the room and shows me that she brought candy, then comes, shows crackers and so on several times. I feel irritated, which confuses me every time with my impressions. I know by heart what it brings.
• I turn on Tush and run the picture again. The third time it looked like this. I see my mother in a clown hat and trousers. She, dancing and bouncing, carries her gifts on a tray and stumbles and falls dramatically. Cheerfully jumps, puts on a hat with bells, shakes his pants and then carries, smiling and bouncing, his crunches. She burst out laughing. Let him jump with his rusks. The irritation vanished, and I again calmly write the report.
• I come home, and there the same oil painting - V. lies on his right side and plays in the tablet. I ask, when you will solve your danglers, in order to get an admission to the exams. The answer is "in thirty minutes." Good. It took three hours, five hours, and the picture does not change "Sofa, tablet and V.".
• With the help of the transformation completion, I correct the stalled picture. To my question "when will you fix the danglers". I hear the answer "in thirty minutes." After forty-five minutes I went to the kitchen to drink some water and "Oh, a miracle!", My son was surrounded by notebooks and concentrated, he writes something. Seeing me, he asks me to bring him tea, or else he does not want to be distracted from the thought. "All right, son! I will bring it now". I feel a quiet joy and understanding. I bring tea. I do not go to him anymore and do not push him. Hooray! Handsomely!
• My beliefs are that the son can not talk to his mother like that, teach how to live. Humiliation, he makes me hurt, very insulting. And at the same time, there is pity: he is poor, unhappy. I live with pity. A game. He feels confident, says that he knows and understands in life, more than I do. What am I afraid of: his displeasure with me, humiliation. You will be normal, I will treat you normally: he says. I feel vexed, insulted. In the heart, like a stone. Intensity: 5-6 points. I lived in total insult, and my heart began to grow heavier. She made the picture dull, viewed the course of events under the introductory circus music. For a while it became easier, but the pain returned again. Transformed: dissolved the stone with a magic solution. The pain remained and did not decrease. After the end of the practice, the pain in my heart disappeared. The state is calm, a lot of energy. But during this day the son with his ever-displeased face makes me feel depressed. I do not have time to recover. I understand that Consciousness speaks to me through it, but the feelings of rejection of it, take possession of me, and I can not help it. Why did it start to hurt me now, was there protection before, or was I in harmony with myself? Now just a rod of the claim, I live it, in the body - in the heart.
• Confirmation that I resisted manifested itself later. My friend came. His son has a friendly relationship with him. I told my son that it was bad to drink tea in the morning. My son said that I do not understand anything about this. The acquaintance confirms that in vain the son drinks such a strong tea. The son smiles cute, does not argue. And I took and said that I was not an authority for my son. The acquaintance began loudly to prove that I was not speaking correctly and behaving, and began to teach me how to do it. I would listen in silence, but inside I began to boil, although I realize that there is a game. I tell him: stop, do not want to listen to you. A friend raises his voice even more and can not stop. Motivated by the fact that he wants to help me. I say: it's enough, but it broke. Then I realized that I just had to listen to what the Consciousness was saying and not resist, he would have stopped talking for a long time. Consciousness showed how I think about myself (I'm smart) and try to help others too, although they do not ask me about it. I lost this thought mentally: listened attentively to a good acquaintance, did not say a word to him in response, and completed this event. I was convinced that he genuinely wanted to help me, or rather, Consciousness tried to convey to me through him that my son loves me and I do not need to pay attention to the sharp decline in his mood, that he is good, but very scrupulous. The acquaintance then apologized to me for his speech.
• Badly slept all night, woke up with pains in the stomach. Somehow I was not happy, I was born. I feel the fear of death, this time from cancer. I remember that this is a very familiar state: for many years I was afraid to die from cancer. I accept, I observe all this. Nothing depends on me, everything will be as it will be. I feel very subtle vibrations: unwillingness to live. It is better to die immediately than to experience this fear all your life. I think that this is my allergy. I spent all day at home, alone. I was engaged in house affairs and meditated. I tried to stay aware and live every minute. I accept my destiny, my experience. Everything is not as it seems. Life is unintelligible, it only remains to receive.
• There was an alarm for the son, pressure in the chest, excitement, I reveal what, existential. I spend the analysis, goes to the father. lines - grandmother, fear of loss, feeling of abandonment, conviction - he should not do so, fear of loneliness. I transform, I live, that this is another time, I trust Consciousness. I feel relaxed and calm.
• Sophia's brother Nikolai, in one of the letters at the end, wrote such lines: "Time runs very fast, years pass, but what can you do when there are laws of nature .." After reading these lines, I realized that the gift of writing poems from me out of line of this kind. When I was a child and could not express my feelings to my mother or father, could not say about my pain and did not know how to cope with it, I used this method of expression - wrote poems. I could write after the event or directly at the time of the event, wrote everything that came, quickly, not caring about rhyme and beauty. I expressed feelings of paper, so they did not accumulate in me and now I am very grateful for this gift, realizing that everything that is given to us is given so that we can cope and play.
• The model of behavior along this line is silence, hiding feelings and emotions, from this impossibility (ignorance) how to cope with these feelings and emotions, fear of rejection, abandonment, complaint of fate, that is, they did not realize their responsibility for their own lives, dependence on circumstances. Life with tyrants and self-pity and the tyrant himself. Lack of acceptance of reality and, accordingly, withdrawal from reality into alcohol, other diseases that turn out of reality. Not understanding your place in Life, your purpose = fear of meaninglessness. A new model of behavior. First of all - to realize fears, to live them in events, to take responsibility for one's life, not shifting it to destiny and surrounding characters. To accept reality as it is, but at the same time act, do not sit idly by hoping for a brighter future and for a wizard who will change his life by waving his sorceress's wand; seek their destiny, see their talents, apply them in life. Realize pity for yourself and prevent it by realizing that the person is responsible for Life. To see in every obstacle the possibilities, to meet the changes.
• We walked with my mother and daughter along the shore. The waves were noisy, there were few people, so much space around! Have got with mum a difficult theme about changes. My mother told her story, in details, which I had never heard before, and could not imagine. It was such a dive into the past, deep, conscious. At the same time, I did not feel pity, there was such acceptance, as if this story is one of the stories of numerous books. And after this walk with my mother it became even easier for me to accept this reality as it is and let people live, because they live without interfering or condemning them. I felt real love for my family and respect.
  

To be continued...

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